Day 2: I'm a ghost again
My twisted logic for including a dream on this OT blog is that typically I only dream when under a lot of stress and it is also typically a themed dream, so maybe we can interpret what is going on – and I guarantee you the stress or issue is related to OT school! I am doing a post on OT Study Tips this evening, so skip this if you want.
So, background. Growing up as an anxious kid, I dreamed of tsunamis swallowing me up and I could not breathe. Then I started having dreams where airplanes either crashed on me or near me, and always had the sense of the dread as I watched it. I occasionally had dreams where for example, there would be a bunch of orange cats, and I'd know only one of them had been my pet along, and it would be devastating to try and figure out which one is mine and making sure I got the right one. (I once told that dream to a friend's psychoanalyst mother and she got a horrified look on her face and said I had serious identity issues). Moving on. I have never dreamed of death, and especially not me being a ghost. But yesterday I had a dream I was wandering around as a ghost, and then last night I had another one, even more disturbing and similarly-themed.
Note to self though: Stop reading “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman right before bed.
In this one, I somehow died – I forget how – and ended up under autopsy, still very much awake from a soul perspective. They would be like “Karen, how much do you weigh?” and I would tell them, so they could figure out the right amount of autopsy stuff to use. So I was dead, but alive. I was also devastated and scared and upset that I was dead. When the autopsy people started to leave, I got even more upset and felt abandoned and began to cry. One of the autopsy ladies came back out and said “Come home with me, honey”. And I remember the (incredibly stupid) words in my head at that second (I've always had a tendency to have bad novel phrases in my head to explain what is going on in dreams): “Brainless and spinecordless, it was hard for Karen to figure out how to move. But after a while, she figured out how to leave the shell, and followed the lady”.
Eventually I managed to get to my CA home and visit my family. They could see me, but I wasn't fully there, I was hovering. I told them I had a day or two at most – my external self was going to age rapidly, like the people with that old-age syndrome, because there was no antioxidants or anything flowing through me anymore.
I went on all sorts of weird trips that I don't remember now, but one of them involved first class on a Southwest flight and an Asian man offering to sell me $500 for my ticket. And I was thrilled to buy Butterfinger balls and realize I could probably eat whatever I felt like for the next few days while I waited for the shell to wear out. Unfortunately the food I would have loved to eaten, no longer tasted good.
The other thing is that my house in California was having serious water issues. My neighbor came over and turned on the water and all of a sudden water started coming in all over the house – through every possible crack and cranny. At first I started to make fun of Mom for waiting so long, but she burst into tears and cried hysterically, so I felt bad and patted her back. I was thinking – first she has to deal with me dying, and then she has to build her house from scratch, this sucks.
In another part, I started to walk up to my Memphis door, and there was a giant spider blocking the way. I turned around and motioned to my adopted fencing family , who happened in this dream to be living in my landlord's house, and they came out and took the spider down for me. My fake sister was chiding her fake mom for using 30 pots to water the plants. When we got inside, they discussed who the place would go to once I finally died in a few days. I began to sob because I could see my cat Nikki hanging out in a car outside and I begged them to take good care of her. It was only until after I woke up that I remembered Nikki was dead. Overall it was an upsetting dream. It bothers me that this is the second night I've had a room where I've dead, then hung around as a ghost, unable to leave.
So dudes, if I die really soon for some reason, and then you start seeing ghostly apparitions, maybe it really is me! 😉
So I have a few theories on this new theme.
1) This week has been the one-year anniversary of having my cat put down and my grandfather dying, so I've been thinking about it a lot.
2) I should stop reading freaky books before bedtime.
3) I feel like I have unfinished business somewhere?
4) I'm finally really happy with how things are going in my life, and I am scared something will stop my happiness?
5) Your interpretation?
Ok it's 810am, I need to go get ready! First I'm meeting Allison at 9 to help her search for an article, we have a new class 10am to noon in Pediatrics, my friend Doug is coming to the campus for lunch for the first time, then we have a lecture on traumatic brain injuries from 1 to 3, then we have our research project design test, then I'm going to work out, and then study the rest of the day with probably at least 1-2 others. Tonight, STUDY TIPS! Sorry for the tangent, had to get it off my pectoralis majors (chest area, get it, haha, I crack me up)…
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